Saturday, July 31, 2010

To live or to quit

I have been dealing with a life or death issue. Me, My life and how to reach that apple with a stick : happiness were facing a “pseudo-dead me”. I am the happiest person that I have ever met. I can find a way, a reason leading to enjoyment and sometimes nonsense happiness. People could be experts on engineering, medicine, art, computers anything but I have been a happiness expert. All my life I was asking reading or most concerned with nothing more than HAPINESS. But the happy expert is having a happiness crisis. when the core of anything dies, it dies. That is why, when the heart stops to beat we die. Still my heart did not stop to beat it stopped to live. I admit it with tears on my eyes; I have stopped living! Surely, it was not a choice of mine but I was not able to eat, think, read, talk from my heart it was like acting. And I am a good actress, nobody figured out. I am good at pretending happiness; I always have believed that my problems have to continue being mine no need to share! And I kept that way for a month maybe accepting and testing my patience till the situation changes. I smile, feel glad and sometimes happy but I cannot really enjoy things. The core was out of service. I guess I was tough enough to continue being so. I did say no word about it to anyone but today. It was an endless suffer but somehow purifying or maybe this was my way to find a positive reason for anything happening to me. It might be the world energy or the devices in my room; it might be me changing my yoga ritual or getting stuck too much to exercise, good things, to do lists, TV letting go; acceptance; giving up; maybe my belief that I need time and I am not supposed to choose now and always postponing my decision to live. I was claiming the right choice is not available yet. But Arwa glad to tell you there is no right choice going to come there is no right person and no right situations there is only YOU and no one else but you can and cannot. It is up to you to live or to quit.

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